W-R-I-T-E cheerleaders

So today I felt productive. I wrote on my Sasha in Seattle blog, and took care of a *ton* of things around the house. Okay, really, more like 50 pounds of things around the house, I tend toward exaggeration. But really, it felt fantastic to have time to write. Which is probably why I'm doing it again, seated across the ping-pong table from a wonderful man engaged in his own creative pursuit (which is awesome... I can't wait until he's done so that I can show off his creativity).

Maybe I should let you know... I applied for a part-time writing job the other day. I'm nervous, because I feel that there's likely a vast many amount of writers who have more experience, more pizazz, more whatever than I do. "Oh Sasha, be positive" I hear Camille saying to the computer, loyal reader and friend that she is. I know, I know. Let me remind you of the heading of this personal blog-world. Sometimes, I'm not. Ask me again in ten minutes if I'm feeling optimistic, and you'll have the answer you're used to hearing.

Perhaps the case of nerves indicate that I want this position much more than I was initially willing to admit to myself. When I started my current job, I knew that I wanted to transition into something more creative. Given the size of the company, I thought that opportunity would be fairly quick in coming, but of course... these things take time. I imagine I've withheld from applying for better-fitting jobs in the past due to fears of failure. What happens if I do this, this thing I really want, and I fail?

It's interesting to be at a point in my life where I'm feeling brave enough to take that chance. Life is full of risks; there's chances of failure around every corner. But when I'm pursuing something that feels right in both heart and mind, something where my heart races even though my breathing is even, there's an excitement to that risk. Because I know that in everything I've attempted and accomplished, that possibility of failure was there too. If I hadn't taken the shot, there was no way it would ever go in.

Besides, there's something positive to come of every experience. Even those with less than satisfactory outcomes (ahem, exes, business plans, and a few other grand ideas that didn't successfully come to pass) still taught me something that I needed to know to proceed. I think it can be hard to fully extract the lesson from everything, sometimes it takes me years to have the perspective I need to best understand why something needed to happen... but, with time speeding up these days, at least it feels like I'm getting it quicker!

Anyway. Writing = Good. Food (oohhh home cooking) = Even better right now.

Love to my peep(s)!

The bees knees and ladies

Ahhh. Today, I had the joys of Katie's company not once, not twice, but three times. And it was fabulous.

We started off this morning walking around her yard and taking measurements and notes to plan a garden. Katie's been wanting a garden for some time, and, well, I've got the time to help make it happen!

Later, I picked her up and we took Shyann (my pooch-sister) to Padden to run the trails with her boyfriend and the students he coaches in long-distance running. It was cold, there was snow still very much on the ground through the horse trails, but as we emerged from the woods and the hills, the sun felt so refreshing. It was a great run, and I'm looking forward to joining up with them more in the coming weeks as a running buddy.

And, of course, it was Wednesday, so our standing ladies night date was in place. We missed Camille tonight (I miss you tons dearie! We need some quality time soon, if you happen to be reading this...). And MAN! It was an intense disc that we were watching! What I love the most about these ladies nights, is that we're really low-key... we get together with some wine and appetizers and watch discs of TV shows that we never watched in high school... yet that we all discover we enjoy. We debate the characters and the situations they find themselves in at length after the disc ends... and it gives us an opportunity to explore our lives and what choices we would make if we were in the same situation.

I always feel enlightened after these evenings. It recharges my batteries. Nonetheless, I'm not up for two late nights in a row... so adios amigos. Hasta manana.

The iron is hot. The induction stove? It's not, and it's fabulous.

Dear friends,

Ah, I've been struck by inspiration! Suddenly, I can foresee away that I can work and still be happy! I just come up with my own business, you see, and do what I want to do in order to work as much or as little as I'd like at any given time! My goodness!

Really, I don't know why that whole concept hasn't struck me much harder, much earlier. I've always understood it, but perhaps I was always too busy trying to figure out what I'd like to do, instead of just realizing what I wouldn't mind doing and making that happen. So... It fell into place for me... My expenses are beautifully low, and in order to not deplete that beautiful ace in the hole called savings, I really only need to work about 10 hours a week. What would I not mind doing for 10 hours each week? Cooking and cleaning. No joke! (Mom and Dad, I can hear your guffaws of laughter. I assure you I'm as serious as I ever am!)

Cause here's the thing! I really enjoy cooking and cleaning when that is what I'm actually doing. And it's really nice to create a more positive living envrionment for people. Heck, I used to dress up and treat myself to clean my old studio in Ballard. I'd put on good CDs, and I'd get lost in my imagination while reliving the old Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle books. Here's the thing... when my imagination has the opportunity to wander, it's like being on the Olympic Peninsula. All these ideas spring up very lush and healthy, and the eco-system of my mind thrives!

One of the joys of my unemployment (which I double-speak as "purposefully available scheduling for the benefit of more social time with people I love"), is that I get to, well, spend more time with people I love! Slowly I am struck with how much easier it is to nurture my friendships. And in doing so, I am also balancing the time that I like to have just for me (reading, writing, recreating). Shoot, I'm probably radiating something akin to smug, but I assure you that's not the case!

Sometimes it's just really easy to think that I should really have things in my life "more in place" if that makes sense. Honestly, it doesn't make sense to me. What is so wrong with the fact that I want to create a life in which I'm a truly happy being? Nothing! Nothing is wrong with that! But it is important to me to feel that I'm getting by on terms that are acceptable to me.

Ai yi yi. It's almost two in the morning and I'm absolutely wide awake. It could be because the universe is filled with an inexplicable energy right now... or it could be the 32 ounces of coffee I had after noon today. I'm thinking it's the latter, but there's a definite quality that lends itself to the former and my mood this fine evening (morning?).

This afternoon and evening, I hung out with Liz (Hi Liz!) and her husband and mom, and our mutual best friend Katie. While we were enjoying our dinner, I'd mentioned that I would be writing more with my new freedom. After we knocked down some pins in alleys, we were talking about the Spring Bowling League they were advertising, and how many times one would have to bowl to make it worth it each week (the answer: five games),
and I said,
"Oo, maybe I could do that..."
Liz's mom: "But what about writing?"
Me, sheepishly**: "Okay, I'll still be writing. I'm [getting closer to] writing every day."

So, here's part of the first steps. Taking advantage of the desire to write when I have time to do so. It may be at odd hours... but what better thing to do when I find I can't sleep? Wait, should I be watching TV right now? Cause I'm sure I could find something lovely and soporific on TV. And miss out on the joyous release that comes from expression, miss out on adoring Pandora, miss out on delighting in catching up on Liz's blog (classichousewife.blogspot.com).

I didn't realize how many idea eggs had been laid... but they're all starting to hatch:


So, thoughts:
Business idea - Begin cleaning and cooking, start with an introductory rate as I gain more experience (and figure out if I really want to do that a few hours each week). Benefit of this is that I'll improve at doing these things, which helps my life too!
Fun idea - Bowling league. Seriously. You wanna bowl? Shout out! Know a business that would sponsor a league? I especially urge you to let me know.
General ideas to accomplish writing goals - Know those small little flippy notebooks that are good for shopping lists and jotting notes to one's self? Um, so I have maybe five of those. I need to start using them. And also writing when inspiration strikes.

Okeydoke. Methinks it's bedtime. Finally.


**I instantly made a mental note to ensure that this becomes true with more visible results than the statement "I'm working on setting up my office" yielded a couple of weeks ago. When I can make it in the door and be set up comfortably, you'll be the first to know.

I love my parents.

So... I got home after a long day of work, and I joined my folks at the table. They were into a bottle of wine, and so I poured a glass to join them. I always take great pleasure from sitting down at the table with them. Sometimes, I know I'm not in the best mood to appreciate it, but I know how lucky I am to enjoy the conversations I have with them. Fortunately, today was one of the lucky days!

We started out talking about interesting subjects... My dad was curious about how young people today spoke with one another about their sexuality. I have always loved how open my parents are to different lifestyles... I think I know some reasons about that; ultimately it comes down to character... My parents are simply intelligent, accepting people. Everything good about me I credit them for, and my bad traits are simply character traits that I am working to improve (though with that my mom will say I don't give myself enough credit - that's how supportive a person she is).

The thing is, I'm aware of my limitations and short-comings, and I feel bad about those. There are so many ways in which I'd like to be a better person... whether it's about being a better friend or a better daughter; or whether it's about being the best I can be in order to realize my full potential. I believe that learning and following through on the things that will be best for me is the greatest gift I can give myself and the people who love me unconditionally. Why shouldn't we all strive to recognize and realize the best that we can be?

To love is an action verb. Paraphrasing Stephen Covey, "to love is a verb... It is the act of love that leads to the feeling of love." I believe strongly that if we siply show people our love for them then we will feel the love for them. In doing little things for my mom and dad (like bringing up the beer from the garage!) I can show them how much I love them. It's about being aware of the ways in which we can make people happy. I may not be able to have been straight-A or a star athlete, but that doesn't even matter. I am very different from a lot of people, and yet I have th ebest of their traits! How lucky am I?!?!

My dad is so fascinating. He simply does the things that make him feel happy; he goes to concerts, lectures, various civic meetings that spark his fire, and simply takes joy in the things that life is about. He makes it so much easier to do the things in which I take joy, and to take joy in the things that I do. I credit him for the fact that I find joy in activity, I like to DO! I like to MOVE! I love to be outside, and in movement and to do so with a sense of purpose. When he first came to the states from England, he hitch-hiked around, and saw the Americas.

Which brings me to my mom. She is amazing. When one of my cousins was preparing for her first child, she consulted my mom for parenting advice. In raising my brother and I (and in some capacity, perhaps my half-siblings, her step-children) she wanted to give us respect in the best way... to treat us as she would any other human being on this planet; with Humor, Integrity, and Compassion, or what she called (quite wonderfully) her "HIC" method. She is so understanding about the important things in life. She seems to truly understand that the most important thing is to connect with people; to love someone so fully, that you just want them to enjoy the time and company of someone else you really love.

This all ties in with my road trip because my mom got it in to her head that the best thing for my dad and I is to spend time sharing the road trip together. I am very much my father's daughter, and I know she wants me to recognize that. My mom understands how much my dad and I could get along if we just truly understood that we are alike in so many ways. Our disagreements are what he and I probably tend to focus on... and it's not even like those are disagreements... it's just that we are so stubborn in practically the exact same ways. We build walls that are endless because we rarely take the time to recognize the futility of building that sort of structure. My dad and I both know we won't do the entire road trip together... but we both know that we could maybe, just maybe, do it for a good month or so.

I wonder if it's something she had wished to do with her dad. To truly both recognize the brilliant things about one another that could be the best inheritance to pass on from person to person. And my grandfather is still around... it's just that he's not the man he once was. Talking to my dad this evening, I cried at the table in expressing how lucky I felt that I still have him in my life. I really hope that sentence doesn't make any of the people I care about feel bad. But so many of my loved ones have lost their fathers. I am beyond fortunate that I still have this time with him. How can I stand to waste it?!

We really are so much alike. Beyond our stubborness, there's the love for running and movement; my newfound love of soccer; the unquenchable wanderlust. We are both ambitious, and believe in finding joy in what we do, even if sometimes we don't seem the happiest. I think we're both very direct, while also being conscious of others. Which means that sometimes we are blunt to the point of hurting people we care about, but it's only because we care about them so much. We just both sometimes think we know the best way to do things. And we both have a hard time admitting that other ways work too.

And yet I am very much like my mom too. She is better than me; I feel that she is the most loving person I know. Not to say that she doesn't have her faults (though it beats me to try and think of any) but she will scrounge up so much love for everyone. She is so generous with her heart. I know I am a good person too. But I will always strive to be a better person in order to be even partly comparable to my mom. I feel I can let out a lot of my more negative observations to her. This provides good release, but I think everyone at one point or another needs to let out their very human frustrations to another human being. It is the search for someone who truly understands what you're going through, even if fo ronly half a second. I feel I can articulate my thoughts to my mom, in a way that is hard to do with anyone else. And yet it's sad that sometimes I don't share everything I'm going through; my mom always makes me feel like she would listen forever. She just loves me that much!

I find that sometimes I do that for my friends. I will find that I can listen to them sharing details about how they think, and how they process loved ones actions and words, and I can just get this heartfelt feeling about who they are. I feel I get this from my mom.

My parents are both absolutely wonderful people. Sometimes I have a hard time thinking about who I am, and then I realize that I am a blend of them. I'm a blend of the good and bad, and that mix is so utterly unique, and yet so completely similar to them, that I have no doubts about who I come from. And who I be is shaped so much by who I come from. I feel like a sculpture from clay; my basic form has been determined, but it is up to my fire of life experience to formulate who I am becoming. If you start with a good shape, you have the best chance of surviving the fire intact, and with a beautiful glaze. I hope the temperature I set makes their artistry worthwhile. Damn, I love metaphor.

To get to practicalities of the road trip... I'm meeting with my boss on Monday to discuss "the way I'd like my life to shape." I am apprehensive for sure, but I'm really excited to talk with her and get her opinion on some of the things I'm dreaming. I'd like to be responsible to my loyalties and my future goals, and I think I can draw a defining line, I just would appreciate her input on the feasability of it all. Cause really, who knows. Isn't the way to make god laugh, to tell him your plans? That always scares me. But why should I be afraid of anything life has to offer? I really shouldn't.

I want a good life, and I will give serious thought to what will make a good life for me. I thank everyone who contributes to both my shape and my fire. Thank you.