So... I got home after a long day of work, and I joined my folks at the table. They were into a bottle of wine, and so I poured a glass to join them. I always take great pleasure from sitting down at the table with them. Sometimes, I know I'm not in the best mood to appreciate it, but I know how lucky I am to enjoy the conversations I have with them. Fortunately, today was one of the lucky days!
We started out talking about interesting subjects... My dad was curious about how young people today spoke with one another about their sexuality. I have always loved how open my parents are to different lifestyles... I think I know some reasons about that; ultimately it comes down to character... My parents are simply intelligent, accepting people. Everything good about me I credit them for, and my bad traits are simply character traits that I am working to improve (though with that my mom will say I don't give
myself enough credit - that's how supportive a person she is).
The thing is, I'm aware of my limitations and short-comings, and I feel bad about those. There are so many ways in which I'd like to be a better person... whether it's about being a better friend or a better daughter; or whether it's about being the best I can be in order to realize my full potential. I believe that learning and following through on the things that
will be best for me is the greatest gift I can give myself and the people who love me unconditionally. Why shouldn't we all strive to recognize and realize the best that we can be?
To love is an action verb. Paraphrasing Stephen Covey, "to love is a verb... It is the act of love that leads to the feeling of love." I believe strongly that if we siply show people our love for them then we will feel the love for them. In doing little things for my mom and dad (like bringing up the beer from the garage!) I can show them how much I love them. It's about being aware of the ways in which we can make people happy. I may not be able to have been straight-A or a star athlete, but that doesn't even matter. I am very different from a lot of people, and yet I have th ebest of their traits! How lucky am I?!?!
My dad is so fascinating. He simply does the things that make him feel happy; he goes to concerts, lectures, various civic meetings that spark his fire, and simply takes joy in the things that life is about. He makes it so much easier to do the things in which I take joy, and to take joy in the things that I do. I credit him for the fact that I find joy in activity, I like to DO! I like to MOVE! I love to be outside, and in movement and to do so with a sense of purpose. When he first came to the states from England, he hitch-hiked around, and saw the Americas.
Which brings me to my mom. She is amazing. When one of my cousins was preparing for her first child, she consulted my mom for parenting advice. In raising my brother and I (and in some capacity, perhaps my half-siblings, her step-children) she wanted to give us respect in the best way... to treat us as she would any other human being on this planet; with Humor, Integrity, and Compassion, or what she called (quite wonderfully) her "HIC" method. She is so understanding about the important things in life. She seems to truly understand that the most important thing is to connect with people; to love someone so fully, that you just want them to enjoy the time and company of someone else you really love.
This all ties in with my road trip because my mom got it in to her head that the best thing for my dad and I is to spend time sharing the road trip together. I am very much my father's daughter, and I know she wants me to recognize that. My mom understands how much my dad and I could get along if we just truly understood that we are alike in so many ways. Our disagreements are what he and I probably tend to focus on... and it's not even like those are disagreements... it's just that we are so stubborn in practically the exact same ways. We build walls that are endless because we rarely take the time to recognize the futility of building that sort of structure. My dad and I both know we won't do the entire road trip together... but we both know that we could maybe, just maybe, do it for a good month or so.
I wonder if it's something she had wished to do with her dad. To truly both recognize the brilliant things about one another that could be the best inheritance to pass on from person to person. And my grandfather is still around... it's just that he's not the man he once was. Talking to my dad this evening, I cried at the table in expressing how lucky I felt that I still have him in my life. I really hope that sentence doesn't make any of the people I care about feel bad. But so many of my loved ones have
lost their fathers. I am beyond fortunate that I still have this time with him. How can I stand to waste it?!
We really are so much alike. Beyond our stubborness, there's the love for running and movement; my newfound love of soccer; the unquenchable wanderlust. We are both ambitious, and believe in finding joy in what we do, even if sometimes we don't seem the happiest. I think we're both very direct, while also being conscious of others. Which means that sometimes we are blunt to the point of hurting people we care about, but it's only because we care about them so much. We just both sometimes think we know the best way to do things. And we both have a hard time admitting that other ways work too.
And yet I am very much like my mom too. She is better than me; I feel that she is the most loving person I know. Not to say that she doesn't have her faults (though it beats me to try and think of any) but she will scrounge up so much love for everyone. She is so generous with her heart. I know I am a good person too. But I will always strive to be a better person in order to be even partly comparable to my mom. I feel I can let out a lot of my more negative observations to her. This provides good release, but I think everyone at one point or another needs to let out their very human frustrations to another human being. It is the search for someone who truly understands what you're going through, even if fo ronly half a second. I feel I can articulate my thoughts to my mom, in a way that is hard to do with anyone else. And yet it's sad that sometimes I don't share everything I'm going through; my mom always makes me feel like she would listen forever. She just loves me that much!
I find that sometimes I do that for my friends. I will find that I can listen to them sharing details about how they think, and how they process loved ones actions and words, and I can just get this heartfelt feeling about who they are. I feel I get this from my mom.
My parents are both absolutely wonderful people. Sometimes I have a hard time thinking about who I am, and then I realize that I am a blend of them. I'm a blend of the good and bad, and that mix is so utterly unique, and yet so completely similar to them, that I have no doubts about who I come from. And who I be is shaped so much by who I come from. I feel like a sculpture from clay; my basic form has been determined, but it is up to my fire of life experience to formulate who I am becoming. If you start with a good shape, you have the best chance of surviving the fire intact, and with a beautiful glaze. I hope the temperature I set makes their artistry worthwhile. Damn, I love metaphor.
To get to practicalities of the road trip... I'm meeting with my boss on Monday to discuss "the way I'd like my life to shape." I am apprehensive for sure, but I'm really excited to talk with her and get her opinion on some of the things I'm dreaming. I'd like to be responsible to my loyalties and my future goals, and I think I can draw a defining line, I just would appreciate her input on the feasability of it all. Cause really, who knows. Isn't the way to make god laugh, to tell him your plans? That always scares me. But why should I be afraid of anything life has to offer? I really shouldn't.
I want a good life, and I will give serious thought to what will make a good life for me. I thank everyone who contributes to both my shape and my fire. Thank you.
Yup, I'm stoked!
